Forgive me Father

 

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Thursday, 30 April

8:03pm

 

Forgive me Father, for I have failed. It’s been two weeks since my last depression.

 

 

I’m here again.

 

I thought the last time was the last time; yet here I am, two weeks later, like clockwork. Crawling, clutching, struggling to breathe; barely any fight left. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, if I’m being honest. The usual signs were there. Sunday, lethargic. Monday, restless. Tuesday, sad. Should I have done something about it then? Was there a way to escape getting to this…inevitable place? Wednesday, despair. Now Thursday, and I can’t get up.

 

Help me, Lord.

 

I need to get to my song. If I can only play my healing song, He will meet me there and I will feel right again.

 

My soul thirsts for things I can’t explain

In my bones a beckoning to pray

 

The tears come, desperate as usual.

 

If my heart is a battleground

My defenses run both ways

 

This time though, there is something different.

 

The flesh is a beggar and thief

But there is a Spirit-man awakening me

 

I’m bawling now, but not from release. What is this… this agony? Where did it come from? Usually I can trace the pain to an event, a trigger. Something someone said. A memory of things past. An Instagram post that triggered thoughts of what should’ve been. But this? This is a new, unfamiliar depth.

 

When real life and peace won’t make amends

When all these starts start feeling like these ends

Like the world is unravelling

And I’m bound to come undone

 

Oh Lord, the song isn’t working! Where is my release? If I can’t find release here…if You no longer meet me here, what do I have left?

 

There is a Shepherd, a Priest

There is a Comforter

Who comforts me

 

Help me Lord. Please. Don’t leave me now.

 

“Remember.”

 

Lord? Remember what?

 

And my soul finds rest
Where it makes no sense
There the Blood sets me free

 

The video from this morning, Lord. The boy’s father said he’d heard the voice of a demon fighting for his son’s soul.

 

“And what did he do then?”

 

He rebuked it. Ordered it to leave.

 

“You have the power, my darling. They’ve come for you, but I came for you.”

 

All my old regrets
All my brokenness
All my failures redeemed

 

And it feels like grace
Where I stacked my shame
There the cross stands for me

 

All the things I’ve done
All the times I’ve run
All my dead ends redeemed

 

And it looks like hope
Where my heart was broke
And His heart broke for me

 

You spirit of depression and despair, I command you to take your ugly talons out of my mind and leave right now, in the name of Jesus. Jesus died on the cross for me, paying the price for my spirit, body and soul including my mind. His blood speaks for me always and is speaking for me right now. Leave this instant and never return.

 

Lay your burden down upon
Down upon Him
Lay your burden down

 

Jesus my rest, in peace
My reconciler
You’re my every good thing

 

Instantly the fog lifts. I stand up and take a shower that’s two days in the making. I sit at my desk, bring out my laptop and clear out all the outstanding work that’s been piling up for a week. I’m the calmest I’ve been in a long time. I pause for a minute and think about this. I feel a forgotten yet familiar flutter in my chest. Joy, is that you?

 

I surrender all
All I’m living for
You’re my every good thing

 

You’re my amnesty
You’re my split wide sea
You’re my every good thing

 

All my days and nights
You’re my death to life
You’re the wonder I breathe

 

You’re my can’t explain
First and last refrain
You’re my every good thing

 

 

Tuesday, 30 June

8:03am

 

Thank you Father, for I am healed. It’s been two months since my last depression.

 

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Written by Dania Nwizu

Song Reference: Starts and Ends by Hillsong United