The Elevation Church

Tag: Ugonna Iheme

  • What’s Love Got To Do With It?

    What’s Love Got To Do With It?

    I don’t know what you think about when you think of love.

     

    Personally, I think of Westlife (aging myself here), and how a greater boy band may never exist. Westlife sang a LOT about love. Love they had lost; love they could not live without; love they were scared of losing. But one song stands out to me; that song is Flying Without Wings – an unmatched melody ideal for belting out in the shower or on a solo car ride. In the face of such perfection, one reaches an obvious conclusion that a better love ballad has not since been written.

     

    We are ushered into the song with these words:

     

    Everybody’s looking for something

    One thing that makes it all complete

    You’ll find it in the strangest places

    Places you never knew it could be

     

    From the beginning of the song, it may feel like an attack; we know they are singing about love, so is Westlife implying that every loveless soul is wandering around with missing holes, like the cartoon cheese that Tom lays out for Jerry? However, they immediately redeem themselves with the next line, “Some find it in the face of their children.”

     

    The first love they talk about is a familiar love or Storge (in ancient Greek). For most of us, this is the first love we experience. The natural, instinctive love of a parent to a child and vice versa; the love of siblings to each other. This love is so innate to our human experience that even when we are mistreated by family members, we still struggle to detach from them emotionally.

     

    “Some find it in their lover’s eyes.” Eros or erotic love is what most people jump to when we talk of love, particularly in connection with the month of February.

     

    “Some (find it) in the solitary night” – Is it even possible to find love alone? Philautia or self-love is often defined as the love found within oneself. While some see it as a basic human necessity, others see it as having the potential to become a moral flaw leading to vanity. The thin line between self-love and selfishness is sometimes difficult to navigate.

     

    “You find it in the deepest friendships. The kind you cherish all your life.” C.S. Lewis says of Philia or brotherly love, “I have no duty to be anyone’s friend and no man in the world has a duty to be mine. No claims, no shadow of necessity. Friendship is unnecessary… it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

     

    Now we know that what Westlife think constitutes love. But what does the Bible have to say about love? Well, each one has the capacity to bring us closer or drive us farther from the image of Christ. This is where we need wisdom to discern the right kind of love.

     

    In the first book of Samuel, Hannah doubtlessly loved Samuel; whom she had prayed and cried for, with a deep, maternal Storge love. Yet, she still gave him up to the temple of God as she had promised. This is the same way Mary would lay aside her maternal instinct to protect Jesus and allow Him to fulfil what he had been sent to do.

    Songs of Solomon has lots to say on the pleasure that can be found within Eros and still warns in Chapter 8 not to awaken passion before its time. In Psalm 139, we find Philautia; the psalmist praises God because he is wonderfully made. Yet in Romans 12, we are admonished not to think of ourselves too highly but to consider ourselves with sober judgement. Proverbs talks about the benefits of Philia, saying that iron sharpens iron and a friend loves for life. But Chapter 13 also warns that a companion of fools suffers harm.

    The Bible talks of a last love, the one that Westlife missed out (proof that no one is perfect). Agape is a selfless, sacrificial and unconditional love. Where the other types of love may expect something in return – affection, pleasure, companionship; agape gives unconditionally, simply because it has the capacity. In Romans 5:7, Paul breaks it down – it is rare to find someone who would die for a good person; but Christ died for the unrighteous, knowing fully well that many might, and in fact would, reject Him. This is also the love He calls His disciples to. Loving everyone, even the people who would despise you for it.

    So, let us love. But love with wisdom and love as we were created to love, putting everything in its right place and time. Finally, in Ephesians 3, Paul prays that we find the love of Christ so that we may be filled (or made complete) to the fullness of God. In the end, it is love that completes us.

     

    Written by Ugonna Iheme

  • Better at 70

    Over lunch, a few months ago, a friend asked me what I liked to do on my birthdays. Before even thinking it through, I blurted out, “I like to be alone so I can think.” I find that I’m more honest when I don’t have much time to package my thoughts.

    As my next birthday creeps around the corner, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the person I have become over the last 365 days. Am I better? Am I kinder? Have I become more focused, more inclined to achieve the goals I set for myself? If I keep going down the path I’m going, what would my life look like when I’m 70? You know, like a movie where someone going through midlife crisis is confiding in a friend, and they say something like, “I just feel like I woke up and became this person, I have no idea how I got here. I don’t recognise who I am”.

    When we were growing up, our lives were divided into measurable periods. We had school terms, semesters and holidays. We had milestones: school grades, promotions, graduations to measure our progress. Assessment required no deliberate intention on our parts. But as we got older, transitioned into the workforce and into ‘adulting’, life became less clear cut. With no defined markers to see how you’re doing – as a person, as a friend, as a partner, as a parent – it is easy to avoid self-assessment and drift into complacency.

     

    Last year, I found myself complaining a lot. I could hear myself doing it, but I couldn’t stop. I nit-picked at work; I grumbled on the drive home; I moaned about people. It was like a waterfall, everything that came out of my mouth seemed to be negative. It got so bad that two people called me out on my attitude. After hearing them out, I took some time alone to soberly consider myself. If I became more and more the person I was at that moment, who would I look like when I was 70? I didn’t like what I saw. With so much at stake, I knew I had to be more intentional about pursuing my personal development. I figured, that I had to introduce something into my life to help me catch myself before negative traits spiralled out of control. So I listened to some podcasts, read some books and drew up a chart around what I considered important aspects in my life.

    The table above gives defined paradigms around which one can think about life.

    I’m by no means perfect; people close to me will gladly and emphatically attest to this. I still find myself overwhelmed by my flaws. But perfection is not the goal, incremental improvement is. I can become a little more thoughtful, a little more consistent and a little more discipline. And when my 70th birthday rolls around, as unassuming as the coming one, I can look back and see that indeed I was better at 70.

     

    Written by Ugonna Iheme  

  • My (Not-So) Quiet Time

    My (Not-So) Quiet Time

    In recent times, I have struggled with having a quiet time even though I am aware of all the benefits of such a time. I know the spiritual benefits: communion and personal fellowship, which are indispensable parts of building one’s relationship with God. I know the physical and psychological benefits as well – meditation is a great way to reduce stress. Despite this knowledge, it is a struggle on some days to settle my mind and sit with God. As I lie in bed, I often find that I have not spent any deliberate time with God. I may mumble a quick prayer as I fall asleep, but sometimes I just simply fall asleep.

    What is a quiet time? Essentially, it is a period of private meditation, prayer, worship and study of God’s Word. Biblically, it is common knowledge that many of the great followers and prophets often went away to walk or fellowship with God. Even Jesus often withdrew to lonely places to pray (Luke 5:16). So, if Jesus did it, why can’t I? I believe it’s because I haven’t planned it into my day and consciously made it a priority.

    In that case, what do I do?

    Consequently, I have looked up steps to make my quiet time more consistent. I hope it helps you with yours too:

    1. Get into a routine: Pick a time and stick to it. As human beings, we are creatures of habit, and including a quiet time in our daily routine is a good way to guarantee consistency. Including it in your daily schedule also shows that it is a priority to you. Like showering or eating, you have set it as something that must be done on a daily basis. For people with busy and unpredictable lives, this may be easier said than done. This leads to the second suggestion.
    2. Move it to the morning – Get it out of the way! Not in a flippant manner, but on a practical level, assigning your quiet time a slot in the morning essentially ensures that you have a quiet time. For some reason, I have always set up my quiet time for the end of the day. However, this may not be ideal if I am to be serious about consistency. Why? By the end of the day, my mind would have already been inundated with work, obligations and random thoughts, it is so much harder to get my mind into the proper condition and I may even fall asleep if I’m really tired. Also, on a spiritual level, I should be aligning my mind before I step out for the day and giving the first fruits of my day to God. So, plan on placing it at this time, the first thing in the morning and you will see the rapid improvement.
    3. Identify your sleeveless errands: This step requires honest self-assessment. In my case, I realized that I could sometimes spend hours watching Netflix and YouTube videos, but become inexplicably tired when it was time to pray. What this meant was, I was too tired at this point to spend time with God in the evening, or I slept late and was too tired in the morning. So, ask yourself, what are the things that you could be spending less time, or no time on?

    In his book, The Cross and The Switchblade, David Wilkerson talked about a realization he had one evening: “What would happen, Lord, if I sold that TV set and spent that time – praying?” It may not be as drastic a realization for you and me; but I have found that for every day I told myself I didn’t have enough time; I had spent time doing something infinitely less important.

    1. Customize your quiet time: It’s easier to look forward to your quiet time if it is enjoyable for you. I used to stick to a formula I read somewhere and in time, I found that it became tedious and boring. What works for you may not work for me. Some people can dive right into prayer while others might need to ease into the atmosphere. So, take off the pressure and focus on just spending time with God. You will eventually find your creative ways to enjoy His presence.

    Like everything else in life, your quiet time will not happen if you are not deliberate about making it happen. Also, although you may have the best of intentions, your execution may be poor for lack of structure.  So, as we move towards a more consistent quiet time, let’s focus on 3 keywords: Prioritize, Plan and Perform.

     

    By: Ugonna Iheme

     

  • Finding your Coping Strategy

    Finding your Coping Strategy

    This week, after a post-work hangout with some new acquaintances, I made myself sing out loud to some empowering, worship music on the way home (and unknowingly to the dismay of other commuters, who were treated to my voice on their drive home). You see, what should have been a time of unwinding, left me feeling like I was under a blanket of heaviness. Our conversations were steeped in a general mood of despair and bleakness; and by the end of the evening, the consensus was the futility of human relationships, morality and hope. I could discern that I was in an unhealthy mental space which I needed to address immediately. They had succeeded in stressing me out.

     

    A psychosocial paper describes coping strategies as the specific efforts that people employ to master, tolerate, reduce, or minimize stressful events. They suggested several distinctions of coping strategies. One distinction is the problem-solving strategy in which you do something to alleviate the stressful circumstance. This may be finding a different job, moving to a place with a shorter commute, or even choosing to remove yourself from the company of people who stress you out. Another distinction is the emotion (or psychological) focused coping strategy in which we try to regulate the emotional effects of stressful events. This is where singing along to worship music comes in for me. Other people prefer to talk through stressful situations; we pray, we meditate, we listen to certain music, we write and sometimes we even exercise.

     

    These two strategy types (problem-solving or emotion-focused) imply that you are at least actively addressing your situation in one way or the other. In reality, most people employ a mix of strategies to handle situations. For instance, while you may be job-hunting (problem-solving), you could also pick up playing football at night to deal with the stress of your job (emotion-focused). While you may be getting out of that toxic relationship (problem-solving), you may also be talking through it with a psychologist (emotion-focused). For me, while I may be jamming to worship music (emotion-based), I will probably be limiting the amount of time I spend in certain people’s company (problem-solving).

     

    One important aspect of coping strategies is that they are typically conscious and purposeful. Especially in a city like Lagos (ranked third among the ten least liveable cities in the world in the 2018 Global Liveability Index), it is important to be deliberate about how we deal with stressors. Otherwise, we tend to fall into avoidant coping strategies, which typically lead people into activities such as alcohol dependence or mental states (e.g. withdrawal) that keep us from directly addressing stressful events.

     

    Take a minute out for a mental exercise today; answer these questions –

    • What stressful circumstances are you currently in?
    • Can you do anything to change the circumstance? If yes, what can you do?
    • What can you do to moderate the emotional or psychological toll the situation is having on you?
    • What can be done in the heated moments of stress? Slow breathing? Counting to ten? A short prayer?
    • What habits can you build to manage stressors before they even happen?

     

    Do this today; do this tomorrow; do this as often as you can, and let us create healthier mental and physical spaces for ourselves.

     

    Written by Ugonna Iheme

     

     

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