Ladies, grasp your bonnets…or head-ties.
Gentlemen, hold on to your suspenders.
Your marriage is about to get lit!
Open your bibles to the book of Romance Chapter 1.
No, not Romans. Romance. This is no Epistle by Apostle Paul.
My apologies for deflating your righteous airs but the Song of Songs is just as holy as the book of Romans. That’s why it’s in the Holy Bible. So, grab your quill and ink…sorry, your iPhone or iPad and let’s pen some passionate poetry and poignant prose… King Solomon style .
“Your neck is as beautiful as an ivory tower. Your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon … Your nose is as fine as the tower of Lebanon overlooking Damascus. Your head is as majestic as Mount Carmel…” (Song of Songs 7:4-5)
(Seriously Solomon, is ‘this’ the best you could do?!)
Just in case you are thinking of adapting Solomon’s lines because he successfully wooed one thousand women, let me put things in perspective for you. ‘Unless you can build a house that is almost entirely covered in solid gold, it is NOT a good idea to tell a lady that her head is like a mountain.’
Solomon’s imagery apart, if God saw fit to edify us with his love verses in corresponding measure to the epistles, it could only mean one thing – your love life needs as much revival as your soul.
Don’t misunderstand me. It is my view that whatever floats your boat is fine – even if it’s bible verses on holiness. Does your heart somersault every time a brother whispers ‘You are the only Lily in my valley’? I do not judge you.
A couple I used to know was so spiritual, they had their destination wedding at Calvary and honeymooned in the Garden of Gethsemane. You would think they were the inspiration for the Ten Commandments, with faces carved out of the two stone tablets. Their romance, no doubt, was kindled by Elijah’s fire. Bless them!
Still, I am persuaded that if you can make your wife laugh every single day, it might be accounted to you for righteousness in this life and maybe in the world to come.
God meant marriage to be funny too – or why else would he make men and women so different and then allow them fall in love? It would have been such a severe joke if it wasn’t so romantic.
Take the female brain – it’s like Google with 126 open tabs at a go. Men’s brains, on the other hand, are as simple and straightforward as the squares on a draughts board – some empty, some occupied and most importantly, no crisscrossing. Words mean what they mean: five minutes does not mean ‘an indefinite amount of time’ and ‘nothing’ does not mean ‘everything is about to explode’
Yes ladies, the men put the ‘lit’ in literal, and no, they don’t get your hints either.
Just the other day, a lady was hinting her husband about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
So, he bought her a scale. And that’s how the fight started.
Fortunately, you don’t have to come from a lineage of comedians to tickle your audience of one. Whether your act is silly, cheesy or playful, you’ll always score romantic points. Even those potentially explosive moments can be safely detonated with humor – and a little guidance from scripture.
Sisters, you know that glacial look you give him when you are mad? That’s like sending a fire emoji to Shedrack, Meshach and Abednego. It won’t catch.
If he wants to buy a new car while there’re bills to pay, be supportive. Let him know you support the purchase as long as he’s buying Elijah’s Chariot of Fire.
Is she spending more money than you can afford? Simply open your bible to the book of Luke and pronounce ‘Sweetheart, the tomb is empty and so is my account’.
iPhone might be her preference but if you can’t afford one – ‘Honey, I think it’s better to stick to Android because since the time of Eve, Apple and women don’t go well together’.
Does it sometimes seem that your dinner was inspired by the scripture ‘Ye are the salt of the earth’? Gently ask if Lot’s wife visited while she was cooking.
You think he’s too much of a couch potato? The bible has a list of athletes who left us examples so we could follow in their steps – Jonah went deep sea diving, Moses went mountaineering, Elijah ran the marathon, and Jesus was a black-belter who ‘disarmed’ principalities and powers.
Whenever she is running late, remember that God makes everything beautiful in its time and add to your patience, longsuffering. Let patience do a perfect work, according to James.
Finally, for those times when you are looking to get into sweet trouble –
You: I just called 112!
You: To report a robbery.
Her: Goodness! What happened?
You: I told them you stole my heart.
(It doesn’t get any cheesier but it works, every time)
For extra toppings, sing her romantic songs in your off-key baritone. (Just so you know, romantic songs do not include changing ‘Lord, I give you my heart’ to ‘Joy, I give you my heart’. That’s your praise and worship playlist).
And for additional honors, write her poetry in Pidgin English.
For his Crème brûlée –
Change his ring tone to something super weird or funny and call him while he’s at work. Hide love notes in his pockets and wallet. Sing him an oriki (praise poem) in public.
And for an extra serving of caramel sweetness –
You: ‘Honey, I think there’s something wrong with your lips’.
Him: What is it?
You: They’re not kissing mine!
Let the fireworks begin!!!
Written by: Grace Ukanwoke